Off-season Moves Enhance the Whiskey Kick Roster

1-10-2012 Los Angeles California

In a move sure to stun the Dogtown Division, crowd favorite Whiskey Kick has acquired all-star free agent Adam Gard.

In what has been described as the easiest negotiations since Japan surrendered at the end of WWII, team GM Kevin Meister signed Adam to at least a one season deal that brings the sure-footed and accurate arm of Adam Gard to WK.

"It was pretty simple. He asked if I was playing and I said maybe. Once I decided to play I told him to sign up."

The move brings the hard playing, and scuffed knees of Damon Tedesco along with him. Tedesco who averages about .180 and goes by the nickname Charger is extremely excited to be joining the Whiskey squad.

"It gets me out of the house and back onto the field. Sure my first calling will always be music, but my first love has always been women."

As the season approaches and Meister prepares to the turn the reins over to someone, anyone, else; he feels secure in Whiskey being able to end the season stronger than last season.

"Well as long as no one kidnaps our captains we'll be okay."

WHISKEY KICK CAPTAINS KIDNAPPED!!! WHISKEY KICK IN TURMOIL!!! CROSBY STILL FUCKING ADORABLE!!!

Chaos ensues at the Whiskey Kick HQ today as our Captain and Co-Captain have been KIDNAPPED!!! Sometime around 4am PST the most adorablest dog in the world, Crosby, activated the Whiskey Kick Emergency Broadcast System. This signals all past and current members of Whiskey Kick that a Whiskey Kicker is in danger, or that the world in general is in danger and only Whiskey Kick can help.

Without missing a beat all Whiskey Kickers answered the call and were at our HQ within minutes. What we found there, besides that crazy cute scamp Crosby, was a note:

“Your precious leaders are now ours. Do not attempt to win any games. Do not attempt to submit any recaps. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RESCUE THEM!!!”

There was no signature, we’ve combed the area and found no real evidence. Then that incredibly good dog Crosby opened his maw and showed us part of a shirt…a pepto bismol colored shirt. Entering the information into the Whiskey-tron 10000 it spit out information we already knew. Juan Ponciano was our man. It made perfect sense, he’s notorious for stealing from Whiskey Kick. Why wouldn’t he try to steal away our Nobel prize leadership. We immediately started gearing up and warming up the Whiskey Tank. We were getting ready to leave when Ryan Adams, the moral compass of Whiskey Kick, offered this piece of advice:

“Listen, let’s not jump the gun. This could be one big set-up by Westside for Life. Sure it probably is Juan but let’s flush out our prey and make them reveal themselves to us.”

So after a bit of brainstorming we’ve decided to hold a candle light vigil for the safe return of Kellen and Mallory. It will take place directly after our 9pm game Wednesday August 31^st. That’s right kidnappers…AFTER OUR GAME!!! We’re going to still play Westside on Hiatus because that’s what Mal and Kel would want us to do. We may lose the game but you mister kidnaps people cause you’re a big jerk, you sir will never win.

LEAGUE OF ROBOTS STYMIES WHISKEY KICK!!!

Late Sunday evening Adam “Gard Dogg” Gard testified before the Los DPs League of Robots. It was notable for two things: Adam is the first human being ever granted an audience with the LDPsLoR, and at 2 ½ hours it is the longest Adam has ever spoken.

He spoke about honor, friendship, and sportsmanship. But most of all he talked about the distress playing against Whiskey Kicks would bring him. It was a fiery and impassioned speech. At the conclusion of his speech the league conferred for no more than 20 seconds (come on they’re robots, they have like wifi and shit right?) and Luke Krall a.k.a. Luke Prime issued the following edict:

“Friendship does not compute”

While Adam was striking out at LoR HQ, across the globe in Culver City a different meeting was taking place. In the middle of their weekly fundraiser and “let’s spend time with orphans” meet-up, the Whiskey Kicks were listening to much the same speech. Since I was too choked up and emotional, Ryan Adams spoke for me about how it’s “messed up that they are forcing us to play against our friend and comrade, who if he wasn’t trying to convince his team he would be here with us helping this poor unfortunate orphans.” At the end of his speech there was stunned silence until the sound of one pair of hands clapping, then another, and still yet another until the entire bar was filled with raucous applause swept over the tiny Cozy Inn. Whiskey Kicks compassion had carried the day and the team has decided to forfeit rather than make brother face off against brother.

Whiskey Kick then went on to beat the orphans 8 games to 1 in flip-cup. Mother Superior Mary said that while the orphans are still quite terrible at flip-cup, she saw some things in their performance tonight to make her think they aren’t all completely useless.

Sure Whiskey wouldn’t be averse to playing Los DPs if it were in some kind of exhibition capacity but with peoples’ feelings on the line we just felt it would be better to cede the victory to the evil robots of Los DPs. If it helps their gears and motors keep spinning, we’re all for it. You see Whiskey Kick is compassionate to all creatures, be they man or machine.

I’m certain Dogtown Commish, and dirty pool player, SoCal Val won’t be pleased with this. I have it on good word she had paid some members of Los DPs in motor oil to “accidentally” peg some whiskey kickers. I guess you’ll have to try again next week Val. It shouldn’t be hard, we play team Kiki and I have it on good information that they are in fact lizard people from the Bilderberg Group sent to infiltrate Dogtown and turn us all into communists.

Also for your enjoyment here is a photo shoot of Adam and I having friend time. We do this about twice a week , to catch up and share our hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Enjoy!!!



WHISKEY KICK ANNOUNCES THE WK v LOS DPs HUMAN FUND COMPETITION!!!

Hey did you read the name of this blog? You did? Then you know, WE FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE!!! Humans in fact are some of our favorite people. We love people so much we actually are people. One of the people that this particluar Whiskey Kicker loves is my ***CLICHE ALERT*** brother from another mother Adam "Gard Dog" Gard. He's a DP'er sadly and I'm a Whiskey Kicker so if ever we had to play each other it would be like a civil war. Brother against brother, families torn asunder beneath the weight that a game between WK and DP would create.

Well wouldn't you know it; league commisioner, and all around shady sports personality SoCal Val Wang is a fucking sadist and scheduled a game between Whiskey and DP. I know I don't want to see it either, but she is in her ivory tower and won't even bother to return any of the 765,987,321 e-mails I sent her just this morning about it. One day she'll get hers and life will be good again.

So when Adam and I found out about it, we immediately went to my Whiskey Kick teammate, and both of our bowling teammate, Ryan "I give Wisdom from on high because I'm not short" Adams. We were in tears and out of breath because we ran the whole way. Before we even got a chance to explain why we came he raised his hand and spoke:

                                            "Some fool scheduled us to play against eachother."

You can call him a charlatan, a faux new age guru with a god complex, or even fakir out to rob rich old women of their fortunes; but we were sold. Adams was the sage we'd been looking for and we knew his advice would be like a sweet song to our ears. He sat quietly for a scant few seconds and told us the solution to our problems:

                                           "You will both go forth to your respective teams,
                                            You will explain that kickball will not be played
                                            next Wednesday. Instead your teams will solicit
                                            donations to a thing called...THE HUMAN FUND.
                                            Whichever team receives the most donations will
                                            be the team that wins the contest that will now not
                                            to be played."

Adam and I agreed that this was the greatest solution ever to the problem. My team hearing the distress in my voice as I explained my reasoning for the HUMAN FUND idea quickly agreed to the idea. We began calling in favors all over town and the world. To date we've received corporate donations in the amount of $8 billion.

Adam has a tougher go of it. Los DPs have not raised a dime yet. They haven't even started their donation process. Why you ask? Well I heard it's because LOS DPs FUCKING HATE HUMANS!!! Aside from Adam and a few others they are all ROBOTS. Yes LOS DPs ARE AUTOMATONS!!!

Even though we're bound to win on corporate donations alone we still want the general public in on this action, because EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS THE HUMANS. So if you're interested in donating* to THE HUMAN FUND please write to whiskeykicks@gmail.com. Humans everywhere can use your help.

So next week when we're basking in the glory of helping close to 2 billion humans and sucking the sweet marrow of a bloodless victory**; you'll see Los DPs trying to explain why they couldn't even be bothered to set up a donation page. What's wrong DPs? Chicken???

* This is so not an actual fundraiser. The e-mail is a personal e-mail and if you send something there saying you're interested I'll point out in further detail that the Human Fund is the construct of a writer for an episode of Seinfeld.

**Bloodless because 1- the win is based on fake donations and 2- because like I said before THEY ARE FREAKING ROBOTS, geez you people never listen to me