Hey did you read the name of this blog? You did? Then you know, WE FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE!!! Humans in fact are some of our favorite people. We love people so much we actually are people. One of the people that this particluar Whiskey Kicker loves is my ***CLICHE ALERT*** brother from another mother Adam "Gard Dog" Gard. He's a DP'er sadly and I'm a Whiskey Kicker so if ever we had to play each other it would be like a civil war. Brother against brother, families torn asunder beneath the weight that a game between WK and DP would create.
Well wouldn't you know it; league commisioner, and all around shady sports personality SoCal Val Wang is a fucking sadist and scheduled a game between Whiskey and DP. I know I don't want to see it either, but she is in her ivory tower and won't even bother to return any of the 765,987,321 e-mails I sent her just this morning about it. One day she'll get hers and life will be good again.
So when Adam and I found out about it, we immediately went to my Whiskey Kick teammate, and both of our bowling teammate, Ryan "I give Wisdom from on high because I'm not short" Adams. We were in tears and out of breath because we ran the whole way. Before we even got a chance to explain why we came he raised his hand and spoke:
"Some fool scheduled us to play against eachother."
You can call him a charlatan, a faux new age guru with a god complex, or even fakir out to rob rich old women of their fortunes; but we were sold. Adams was the sage we'd been looking for and we knew his advice would be like a sweet song to our ears. He sat quietly for a scant few seconds and told us the solution to our problems:
"You will both go forth to your respective teams,
You will explain that kickball will not be played
next Wednesday. Instead your teams will solicit
donations to a thing called...THE HUMAN FUND.
Whichever team receives the most donations will
be the team that wins the contest that will now not
to be played."
Adam and I agreed that this was the greatest solution ever to the problem. My team hearing the distress in my voice as I explained my reasoning for the HUMAN FUND idea quickly agreed to the idea. We began calling in favors all over town and the world. To date we've received corporate donations in the amount of $8 billion.
Adam has a tougher go of it. Los DPs have not raised a dime yet. They haven't even started their donation process. Why you ask? Well I heard it's because LOS DPs FUCKING HATE HUMANS!!! Aside from Adam and a few others they are all ROBOTS. Yes LOS DPs ARE AUTOMATONS!!!
Even though we're bound to win on corporate donations alone we still want the general public in on this action, because EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS THE HUMANS. So if you're interested in donating* to THE HUMAN FUND please write to whiskeykicks@gmail.com. Humans everywhere can use your help.
So next week when we're basking in the glory of helping close to 2 billion humans and sucking the sweet marrow of a bloodless victory**; you'll see Los DPs trying to explain why they couldn't even be bothered to set up a donation page. What's wrong DPs? Chicken???
* This is so not an actual fundraiser. The e-mail is a personal e-mail and if you send something there saying you're interested I'll point out in further detail that the Human Fund is the construct of a writer for an episode of Seinfeld.
**Bloodless because 1- the win is based on fake donations and 2- because like I said before THEY ARE FREAKING ROBOTS, geez you people never listen to me
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